Death to Backpacks

What is the deal with backpacks? Grown men are coming to work with a backpack strapped to them every single day. For the last 25 years I've managed to make it to work with just my lunchbox and my planner. If i'm feeling sporty I might carry a thermos full of coffee but since I've switched to tea that has fallen by the wayside. Is the backpack a sudden fad or fashion statement? I wonder what they have to carry back and forth in them. Maybe they are stuffed with provisions in case they get stuck in their cubicle and don't want to risk starvation. It could be that there is an extra change of clothes; perhaps on the off chance of a bladder malfunction (for that matter I think bladder control is way overrated anyway). My most sneaking suspicion about the contents of these misused contraptions scares me. You see, I think that they are carrying WORK home with them. Yes, work or maybe I should call it "homework". A sure fire way to diagnose a workaholic is to catch him carrying his work home with him. I used to work for one of these guys. He was asked by a subordinate once what he liked to do in his spare time. He response was "I eat, sleep, and work". What a shame. To think that he was going to spend his life doing nothing other than those three tasks was really disheartening. I got after him about it once. He had a very pretty, sweet, wife and 3 daughters. I told him he should spend time with them since I had heard that's what married people do occasionally when they aren't at each other's throats. He looked at me with the "deer in the headlights" look. He just didn't get it. His wife threatened to leave him once if he didn't take a vacation with her and the girls. It was a traumatic experience. I was assured that this was a "working" vacation and he would be checking in every day to see if he was needed. For the last two weeks prior to the vacation he worked himself into a frazzle every night, trying to get it all done. He stayed late. The very last night he was there until 10:30 p.m.. I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown over this vacation thing. His reward for all of his hard work was a notice of termination a few months later. They bagged him. He was so distraught that he went to the President of the company and literally cried for a job. They felt sorry for him and let him stay on for a little while. He was exiled to a storage area all alone that had no air conditioning and went right back to work, sweating at his makeshift desk like a hog in his white, long sleeve, dress shirt; the uniform of the executive. I just laughed. An out-of-work workaholic is kind of like a heroin addict in dire need of a fix. They also want you to be right there with them and that is the facet of their being that scares me the most. We were all once told by our workaholic boss prior to his fall from grace that we were going to start working Saturdays; and Sundays too. Sunday too? He said he would get us pizza and it would be kind of a "party" type of atmosphere on Sunday. We did the Saturdays but told him to stick the Sunday pizza party where the sun don't shine. Sensing the feel of tar and feathers on his skin, he never mentioned Sunday to us again.

I've lost touch with him (we never actually were in touch) but I know that wherever he is, he's wearing a backpack that is loaded to the hilt with work, just in case he needs a fix. I really don't care if others want to work themselves to death, just don't try and drag me down with you. The only reason I work is because I can't get someone to pay me this much money to stay at home. Oh, I get some satisfaction from work but I don't get my jollies out of it. These backpackers need to reevaluate their priorites in life. Has anyone ever been on their deathbed, murmuring to their family "If I could have only gotten in a few more hours at the plant". I doubt it.

Back in the day backpacks were for boy scouts and school children. They were utilitarian. I saw quite a few even as late as college. Then years later they started sneaking them into the workplace. The workaholics must have their own website or forum to discuss and track trends. It's spreading. I'm getting worried about it too. I saw a high-level manager come tooling into the breakroom one morning, sporting a backpack and an ear-to-ear grin. He looked like an 8 year old on his way to school. I was tempted to tell him that he was going to be late for homeroom but managed to suppress myself (very rare display of tact on my part). The teeth marks on my tongue are still healing.

Not gonna catch me with a backpack. No way. When I leave the office every afternoon I forget all about it until tomorrow morning. I don't work for free. I don't work at home either (just ask my wife ha ha). I've got my eye on you backpackers. Repent! Give up your sinful ways! Stop carrying work home with you! Get a life! If you can't get a life of your own, at least don't interfere with mine.

And for heaven's sake, give that silly looking thing back to your kid.